Dear Dr. Comp:

I can't get opposing counsel to negotiate with me and I don't know what else to do. I have sent four letters, 2 FedExxes, seven faxes and 13 emails, and have left 23 voicemails. I even tried calling at home. Twice. I know the Commission affirmed the judge's award for my client's amputated fingertip,
but I really need 15% of the hand to get to the Fund on my client's pre-existing fear of poverty. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Primarily Eager to Start Talking

Dear P.E.S.T.:

It has become a serious problem in our profession to get opposing counsel to return contacts. Lawyers are too busy, it seems, to call and write and fax back. Evidently all those labor saving devices––beepers, cell phones and PDAs–– aren't saving as much time and labor as promised. (I think some of the ads for these things were written in Canada, where one day saved is only about two-thirds of a day American.)

The only way to reliably get responses is to make your case the most important one on your opponent's desk. I recently attended a seminar put on by the Overbearing Blowhard Institute for Recycled Lectures, and one strategy that was suggested was this: bathe only once the preceding week (or not at all if you are already on the once-per-week schedule) and go to your opponent's office. Sit quietly and wait for him to show up. Two days of this should be enough to get his (or the receptionist's) attention. Trust me, it works. Don't leave until they call the police.

Dr. Comp
 

(Dr. Comp is not a medical doctor, and does not play one on TV, even in lawyers' commercials. Dr. Comp is licensed to practice massage therapy by the protectorate of Puerto Rico and the nation of Sendcashistan. All questions to Dr. Comp should be in words of three syllables or less, if possible. No Latin terms, please.)