Healthy Sexuality
by Jim Howard, MOLAP Director
Several years ago I conducted an interview with Chris Frey, LCSW, a nationally recognized expert on sexual addiction, and childhood trauma. That interview, titled Sexual Compulsivity: The Secret Addiction, was published in the September 1998 edition of the Bulletin.
Recently, Chris and I discussed intimacy and sexuality in the context of a Healthy Sexuality model, and how this information can enhance the effectiveness of lawyers in helping some of their clients. The content of this conversation follows:
Jim: Chris, why is it so difficult for couples to talk about sex?
Chris: That's a great question and a big question. In spite of how we are currently inundated with sexual images, our culture still communicates a great deal of shame about sexuality. We do a better job these days of teaching people about the mechanics of sex, the “how to” of sexuality. We also are doing an excellent job of teaching the dangers of unprotected sex. But few families or institutions teach how to move through the fear and discomfort to the next step; talking about healthy sexuality with a partner. Culturally, the prevalent myth still is that love means intuitively knowing what my partner wants sexually; if I have to talk or, worse yet, ask about it then there must be something wrong with me. That's sad and shaming and incorrect. Instead of open communication, people often turn to innuendo, sexual humor, and guesswork. When couples break through that, the sensitivity and intimacy built as two uncertain people begin to communicate about sex builds an amazing amount of trust, and most likely, a much more pleasurable sexual relationship.
Jim: I understand that you have created a model for Healthy Sexuality. Would you describe this model?
Chris: The model is really not of my creation. I simply borrowed from several existing models of healthy sexuality, integrating and adapting information from people such as Wendy Maltz. The model is two-tiered. The foundation is Maltz's CERTS model; Consent, Equality, Respect, Trust, and Safety. These are what I call the attitudes of healthy sexuality. The second tier, built upon these attitudes, is RAISE; Romance, Affection, Intimacy, Sensuality, and Eroticism. These are the behaviors of healthy sexuality.
This was created to be a working model that evolves through the life cycle and builds on the increasingly sophisticated communication of the couple. As you can see, the definitions of each of the terms we use might be quite different between individuals and within relationships. Those of us using this model want folks to go inside of themselves, investigate what words like Sexual Trust and Intimacy and Romance mean to them; then come back to the relationship for sharing and new learning. It's a synergistic model, couples often come up with definitions for Safety or Affection or Eroticism that are better than what the individual partners can create on their own. From the definitions, couples can create all kinds of interesting possibilities; deciding to affirm where they are already strong, determining where to focus in strengthening the sexual relationship, even deciding what is necessary for sex to improve. The model may even give a way for someone to talk about a long-standing concern about sex. A small example is a couple I worked with who, through using the model, realized that neither was strong in Romance. They had both been feeling inadequate, yet through the model they also both realized that neither cared much about Romance. So, they decided to focus energy on another aspect of their sexuality and gave up the guilt about being unromantic. Conversely, another couple decided to focus on Romance after finding that the wife greatly valued this aspect and had years of anger at the husband for being “unromantic.” They realized he was not uninterested, he just felt inadequate and uneducated. He then learned what she meant by romance and soon after planned an anniversary unlike any either had experienced in several decades of marriage.
Jim: How does this information about healthy sexuality add to our understanding of living a full and satisfying life?
Chris: Sexuality is tied to so many aspects of who we are; being touched in a loving way, procreation, passion, awareness of our bodies, spirituality, commitment. Oh, and it's fun to have sex as a significant and satisfying part of a full life. The majority of the adults I know make having a primary intimate relationship a priority in their lives. Most of these relationships become sexual. Using this model, not only are the prospects for a satisfying erotic relationship increased, but also the style of communication that develops can simply build a more loving partnership. Conversely, the amount of time and energy many folks expend in conflict and complaint over unhealthy and unsatisfying sexual relationships tells us a lot about the value of a better way. This model is just one way.
Jim: The CERTS portion of the model seems to be a guide for relationships in general, larger in scope then sexuality. Please comment on this.
Chris: The CERTS model is a guide for being more mature and loving in any adult relationship: marriage, dating, friendship. The opportunities to move away from shame, miscommunication, exploitation, and confusion are all present in this information. In sexuality, CERTS is the prerequisite work for the advanced course in having a healthy, erotic relationship. In life, CERTS is simply a great guide for how we can chose to interact with one another.
Jim: How would individuals actually put the Healthy Sexuality model to work in their lives?
Chris: As I mentioned, this model is meant to be a work in progress. I encourage individuals to define the terms, identify their strengths and weaknesses, identify the aspects of CERTS and RAISE that are most important to them, and create an action plan. The plan may include communication training, reading more on the “how to” aspects of sex, asking for help from a partner or friend in strengthening a certain aspect, getting massage to learn about non-erotic touch, attending a couple's workshop. Many people simply decide to focus on being more open and honest sexually. Others work on being more playful and spontaneous; or more respectful, less demanding. These are just some of the possibilities.
For some individuals, the model helps identify a need for more intensive assistance: therapy to heal a sexual trauma, a medical and/or psychological evaluation for problems with erections or sexual desire, a program of recovery for compulsive or dysfunctional sexual behavior. Finally, the model is a tool that individuals and couples can return to time and time again to assess changing needs.
Jim: Finally, how might this information, in particular, benefit attorneys in their practice of law?
Chris: I believe this model can be helpful on two levels. Physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual health are all assets in a long and effective professional experience. Learning to make good decisions about relationships, intimacy, and sexuality results in a well rounded, rewarding life. An unhappy personal life frequently leaks into the person's professional life; a satisfying personal life, likewise, can have a great impact on a person's focus, energy, and passion professionally. Second, many attorneys I work with are dealing with clients who have sexual issues as one aspect of their legal challenges; divorce and sexual crimes, for example. Having an understanding of both sexual compulsivity and sexual health gives an attorney additional tools when determining a client's needs.