Anger and Conflict Resolution
By James Howard, Licensed Professional Counselor
Director, Missouri Lawyers' Assistance Program
There seems to be so much anger in the legal profession today. While it is certainly appropriate for positions and advocacy to be clear and forceful, this need not be accomplished with intimidation and disrespect. Granted, some issues, such as abuse and injustice, should, in my judgment, generate anger and outrage. Even then, however, this anger should not be projected on to your adversary. More to the point, anger, even justifiable anger, needs to be contained, channeled and expressed appropriately. I believe there is a direct connection between uncontained anger and the continuing erosion of civility that we are seeing.
First of all, let us be clear about what anger is. Anger is a feeling, an emotional response to what I am experiencing as reality. Of course, my perception of reality is influenced by my past experiences, particularly experiences that are similar to the current situation. Anger, like other feelings, is amoral, neither right or wrong. Morality and responsibility are involved, however, in how I express my anger. I have a right to be angry and to appropriately express it, as long as I do not hurt myself or violate the rights of others in the process.
It should be noted that while anger is neither right or wrong, most anger is not useful nor does it serve us. As a matter of fact, if not kept at a minimum and contained, it can lead to significant medical problems such as high blood pressure, strokes, and heart attacks, let alone the damage to relationships that can occur.
While there are many possible sources of anger, I want to refer briefly to two that seem to generate considerable anger.
- Another person or situation may be blocking or preventing me from attaining what I want.
- Unresolved, lingering anger or resentments that become fueled by virtually any irritation.
The former situation is simply about life. I will be well advised to focus my energy on my tasks and what I have control over. The latter may require professional help, but at the very least, may require simply letting go of the past.
Now let's look at a model for expressing anger. Essentially, it is the following sequence:
- this is the data (my perception of reality);
- this is my judgment (I own it);
- this is my feelings (may or may not be appropriate); and
- this is what I want (understanding I may not get what I want);
If it is not appropriate to express your anger, be sure and do so "confidentially" with a safe person in your life as soon as you can.
This model can be used in your professional or personal life. An example would be the client who is continually late for appointments.
"Jim, you arrived fifteen minutes late again for our appointment scheduled for 9:00 AM this morning. You have been late for virtually every appointment we have had. It is my judgment that, from your actions, being on time for our appointments is not important to you, and that my time is not important to you. My time is important to me, and to my other clients. What I want is that in the future, if you are unable to be here on time, that you call before the assigned time."
While this model is not meant to be a cure all, it may be helpful to you. Of course, you may not get what you want, but at least you will have been clear with the other person, and civil, I might add.
If anger is a continuing problem, feel free to call the Missouri Lawyers' Assistance Program (MOLAP) for professional, confidential assistance at 1-800-688-7859.