by Jim Howard, Director, Missouri Lawyers' Assistance Program (MOLAP)

Most of the literature on Compulsive Behavior and Addictions fails to address the tremendous impact that these behaviors have on the family.

When I ask a spouse of an alcoholic, or workaholic, what is it like to be married to your partner, there is usually a hollow pause, as if to say, "If you only knew." They may as well be asking: "Do you know what it's like to feel powerless and helpless? Do you know what it's like to have lost all hope, to feel trapped and betrayed? Do you know what it's like to be told time and time again that you are the cause of all the problems in the marriage and family?"

It is extremely difficult for a person experiencing these things to initiate action. As a matter of fact, what is such a person to do? Before we look at some options, let us first observe this family, as it may help us to fully understand and appreciate the dilemma.

The family that I am going to describe is referred to as a dysfunctional family. While the family is made up of individuals, it is much more than the sum of its parts. The family has a life and personality of its own. In addition, the family system will work hard to maintain its equilibrium. In other words, it will resist change. The survival role that each family member embraces is designed to help each member cope with this situation. Each role is also drawn to maintain the status quo in the family. A model for these survival roles follows:

The Ruler:

This is typically the dominant adult in the family. More often than not this is the partner with the compulsive behavior. The personality one would see would typically include anger, aggression, blaming, controlling, self-righteousness, rigidity, grandiosity and charm. The typical feelings experienced by this person might include pain, shame, guilt, hurt and fear. The compulsive behavior is a dysfunctional way to deal with these feelings.

Systemically, every family "needs" someone to be in charge.

The Chief Enabler:

This is typically the partner or spouse of the ruler. This person will often display powerlessness and fragility. He or she will tend to be serious, self deprecating, exhibit self pity and will often be very responsible, using manipulation to get what he or she wants.

Every family needs a "responsible" person.

The Family Hero:

The Hero finds out early that his or her place in the family is that of the achiever. By doing things right, and thoroughly, the Hero will usually get approval. The Hero will display responsibility, success and may be seen as special, "all together." The Hero will often be a good student or athlete.

Inside, the Hero usually feels shallow, lonely, hurt, inadequate and confused. The Hero will typically grow up to be a perfectionist.

The Hero carries the family self-esteem, and is a source of pride for the family.

The Scapegoat:

The Scapegoat is seen as "the" problem in the family. This provides a convenient distraction for the parents and family. The Scapegoat "gets into trouble" at school, socially or legally. Vulnerable to strong peer pressure, the Scapegoat may turn to promiscuity or chemical use. Acting out behaviors are common, as are fits of anger and rage.

The Scapegoat provides distraction and focus for the family, away from the real source of the family problem, that of the Ruler and Chief Enabler, and their relationship.

The Lost Child:

This individual is usually the most impacted one in need of help in the family. The Lost Child's way of coping is to become invisible, to withdraw and to fantasize. This person may be aloof, overweight and exhibit shyness and will disconnect.

Within this child you will find considerable loneliness, hurt, feelings of inadequacy and anger. The lost child offers relief for the family, allowing the other family members to channel compassion and concern.

The Mascot:

The coping skill of the Mascot is humor and distraction, intentionally not taking anything seriously. This allows the Mascot to avoid feelings of hurt and fear.

You will, therefore, see humor, perhaps hyperactivity, attention attracting behavior and clowning.

The Mascot provides fun and humor for the family.

Obviously, no one fits these descriptions perfectly. Incidentally, an individual can exhibit traits of more than one role, and can also shift from one role to another. While these survival roles are important in terms of coping, they are not particularly "relationship friendly" as adults.

From this description of a dysfunctional family, it should be clear that change is difficult, note that I said difficult, not impossible. With family systems education and counseling, change for the better can take place. The bad news is that it is hard work. The good news is that it is possible, and it does not depend on the compulsive person initiating change or treatment for his or her addiction, or compulsive behavior.

For help with family problems, co-dependency or any other compulsive behavior, call MOLAP for professional, confidential assistance at 1-800-688-7859.